At The Strike Of Midnight

It’s taking me a lot of effort and mental energy to write this article.

I don’t want to because I don’t feel like thinking about 2021 or 2022 – but that’s exactly why I have to write this.

And I cannot emphasize this enough – the clock striking midnight wasn’t full of celebration like usual.

Even though I was looking forward to New Year’s Eve, last week was tough for me. I was overworked and overtired and I didn’t feel like New Year’s Eve in the end. I didn’t feel like giving it importance.

And as the time got nearer to midnight, I felt like getting it over with because I knew the clock striking midnight was going to be a disappointment.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve become apathetic. Nothing bothers me anymore. I don’t feel any emotion – and that’s what really bothers me.

It’s not because I don’t care. I think I don’t have the energy to deal with it all – even something exciting is fleeting. Excitement too leads to just another anti-climax.

And all of the above is exactly how I feel about New Year’s Eve.

Processing 2021

I think 2021 was full of emotions. Especially the first half.

I feel that at some point last summer I put my emotions on hold to just get by because it was all really too much.

Processing emotions takes up so much time and effort and energy – it’s draining.

But 2021 was also a year of accomplishments (apart from the emotions and mental breakdowns and crying). I got to write a thesis on Text World Theory and trust me Text World Theory is a demanding theory. It enlightened me – and I’m a better writer for it. I got to start writing a novella that will shape me and got to be mentored by an incredible professor (he helped make me a better writer too). I got to finish my 3 years of undergraduate education which wasn’t easy. I got to graduate and wear that damn toga.

And sometimes I catch myself looking at my degree with a slight pain because that struggle is over and it feels unbelievable.

Oh, and I started working full time with FreeHour. Plus have a part-time waitressing job on the weekend.

So yeah, being tired all the time and never getting a moment of relaxation is part of growing up I guess?

Life gets harder and harsher and more frustrating. And I hate adulting.

And I know I’m being negative about 2021. I don’t see a way out of it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m pretty much content with life (not fully happy) but ok. Yet I don’t have small things to look forward to.

What About 2022?

And even though it’s now 2022, I don’t want to think about what I want this year to be like. Because I don’t feel like anything has changed just because the year has changed. There is nothing scientifically proven that my life will get better because it’s a new year or that the year 2022 will be better than its predecessor.

Honestly, I feel people hope for a better year as part of the societal norm and it’s so pathetic. I don’t want to hear sappy comments of hope. It’s not helpful. For some, hope is a good thing but I don’t want to be disappointed.

I don’t expect people to pity me. Rather, I don’t want it.

Amongst the many things I learned from therapy is that only I can solve my problems – yet to do so, I have to be open to my problems, embrace them, and flaunt them.

I am a very open person about my problems and issues and feelings. I don’t mind being myself with people – and sometimes that scares people who don’t know themselves enough. I’m open with myself which is why I’m also open with others because I like to discuss.

I’m still figuring out a lot of things about myself and that’s ok.

I’ve also realised in life that it’s better to have vision, not a plan. And that’s how I’m treating 2022.

So here’s to the new year – whatever it may bring. I’m ready.

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