A friend at work asked me the question above a few weeks ago and I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. Ask yourself for a moment – when was the the last time you did something for yourself?
I remember I was almost going to cry when he asked me that question because I didn’t have an answer.
January has been a blur for me. I’ve worked almost every day for the entire month. I’ve only had 2 off days. I don’t shy away from telling people that. Sometimes people look at me shocked and others don’t bat an eye. Sometimes, it’s the people around me that I want a reaction from yet I don’t get one and that makes me feel like ok, maybe I’m just over-reacting.
But I know I’m not.
The Breaking Point
Last weekend, I think I got to my breaking point. I’ve been anticipating it. I was at work and I really didn’t want to be there. I felt exhausted even though I wasn’t doing much and I was upset for no reason. I started getting obsessive thoughts, asking myself, but am I really tired or just making up excuses?
This is what over-working has done to me. It has made me tell myself I should keep working hard and push through even though I’ve had enough. I didn’t even realize that I was doing this to myself at first yet here I am.
I’ve said this before in my blog and I’ll say it again here – I don’t want anyone’s pity. Only I can solve my problems if I am willing to embrace them. And I have in the past. Yet this time, my problems aren’t mental – my problem is work.
The Monetary Dilemma
I’m also someone who is a big believer that money isn’t everything. I like to save up money but I also love love love to spend it. And I’m not afraid of spending money on things that make me feel good.
That’s the point of money – to use it.
I feel disappointed that I’ve let myself be dominated by the idea of work more to make more and in return sacrifice my mental and physical health.
Believe it or not, I’m physically tired even when I’m doing nothing. My body sometimes doesn’t even feel small things anymore like touch.
Working to build up more money is feeding into a capitalist society in which you don’t get enough back. That’s it. How pathetic.
Being An Adult Sucks
I love my independence and myself. I’m all about self love and I believe in it. Even when I’m feeling down, I always remind myself that I’ve got me and that’s enough.
But my independence, I’m realizing, is also becoming toxic – because I push away the idea of people helping me when I would actually love it if for once someone did something special for me.
When someone actually does do something nice for me, could be the smallest thing honestly, it makes me feel so wholesome. It makes me feel remembered and thought of – that’s such a raw feeling.
I’ve also contemplated what it means to be single. I work all day, go home, cook, clean, read, and go to sleep. I have no one to cuddle or have deep discussions with. And although I’m fine being single because I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel secure about myself, I feel lonely. I want someone to share my thoughts with. Someone to ask me things. Because I don’t feel like I’m there for myself enough. I know this sounds sad but that’s ok!
And I feel lonely with everyone really.
I meet up with my friends and family and all the conversations I have feel blank. What happened to all those deep discussions I used to have?
I think the problem is that I’m so over-worked that I’m not using my thinking muscles as much as I used to. Sometimes I feel my thinking has become too mechanical. And that’s really fucked up in my opinion.
As someone who’s not only studied but takes joy in the Arts and Humanities, thinking and discussing is what we do. We should never stop that. I don’t want life and work to stop me from reasoning and questioning. That’s when humanity has failed.
Yet I know I haven’t failed myself because otherwise I wouldn’t be writing these words here.
This Is The Time For Action
I’ve decided to actively take a break – even if that means not working for a while and making less money.
Because I need to feel something, anything. I need to focus on other things rather than work.
Therefore, this is the thing that I plan to do for myself to answer my initial question.
And as I write this, I know my honesty shows and I don’t care. I’d rather be real and show myself on the page here than come up with some fake words for this blog post. I don’t care if I’m judged. But I know deep down as you are reading this, that you feel the same way too.
And you should find something to do for yourself too. You deserve it.
Ask someone to give you a hug. Hugs are so emotional – they help us to cry and the amount of emotion and stress release that comes with crying is insane. We should all cry more often!
Take care of yourself – mentally & physically – and seek means to help yourself.
You are important and you come first before anyone else. Remember that.